


Cha Cha

by crybabyenligne



Series: A**hole [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Blood and Injury, Gen, Hatake Kakashi Being a Dumbass, Hatake Kakashi Being an Asshole, Hidan is his own warning, Humor, Mild Angst, Missing-Nin Hatake Kakashi, No Kaguya, Stupidity & Adventure, but the Akatsuki are still fucking shit up, idk how to rate this fic so i’m going w mature to be safe, sort of but not really, world building
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:28:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29547942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crybabyenligne/pseuds/crybabyenligne
Summary: ”-you got silver hair, I got silver hair, you’re not too fugly so I suppose you will be an okay replacement-““I’m wearing a mask,” Kakashi interrupts. “How do you know I’m ‘fugly.’””The haircut,” the man who worships Jashin replies and Kakashi damn-near slaps him.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Kakashi's Ninken
Series: A**hole [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2170839
Comments: 18
Kudos: 79





	Cha Cha

**Author's Note:**

> well damns kids ye seem to like it when i do gritty shit about kakashi
> 
> good thing i do too ÒwÓ
> 
> (title is the song i was listening to at the time i made this draft lol)

Being a missing-nin, as a person who grew up with a strong love for structure and order, especially in the wake of traumatic events caused by the disruption of order, is quite frankly really fucking difficult.

There is no step by step guide. If there is, Kakashi has received a worn and torn book that simple reads:

Step 1: Defect :) 

Step 2: Good luck out there! 

Step 3: Maybe die

And the rest is just blank pages depicting his gruesome death. He’d take a raunchy scene of pure filth and sex from Icha Icha over the various near death experiences he’s had this week alone.

The first week was fine. He was still kinda in disbelief of what he’d done, adrenaline had him flighty and giddy, paranoia kept him going until he was on the bare edges of Fire Country.

Week two it started to fade. He scratched his headband with the claws on his ANBU gloves and had a bonfire with the pack because only other alternative was to stare at the sky and will himself to cry. The ninken were not impressed. 

Week three and week four he realised he had few rations left. He grew antsy without a routine like he had before. Pakkun insisted he let them visit at least twice a week because they didn’t trust him alone anymore. Kakashi was incensed by the notion he, a grown man, couldn’t protect himself, but allowed it because the action made them less anxious and prone to nipping him. 

Week five the near death experiences began. Read: Kakashi found a bear. Or, a little bit more accurately, a fucking magic chakra bear with reserves almost equal to his own found Kakashi and tried to eat him alive. It’s roars were infused with wind chakra that sent Kakashi flying each time he got in the way.

Good news! It didn’t succeed in devouring him.

Bad news? He has a new scar on his leg.

(Pakkun raised the visits from twice a week to thrice.)

It’s week seven now. Maybe eight. 

He needs to head to a village of sort to grab more supplies and new clothes, but he did not have the forethought to bring much money with him when he left. His ANBU gear is bound to draw attention and there’s warrant for his arrest out there in more civilian-based villages because he technically left with volatile information needed by the Daimyo. 

He’s not getting rid of the mask — it’s got sentimental value, and it’ll actually help keeping others from recognising him and trying to collect his bounty. The less human interaction the better, as the Nara always say.

He does, however, need something to cover up the distinct Konoha tattoo on his bicep, and gear that’s more durable than what he’s wearing. And a rucksack to carry all he brought with him.

”Put the hitai-ate somewhere less visible,” Pakkun recommends with a yawn. “The less signs you’re a missing-nin, the better; and civs are the biggest snitches alive.”

Kakashi hums thoughtfully, gazing up at the starry night sky. It’s not quite so clear back in Konoha. Now, only a couple branches up in a tree, he can see and name all the constellations his father taught him when he was young. “I need something to cover my eye.”

”Eye patch?”

”I’m a shinobi not a pirate.”

”Just hold it closed then, pup.” The ninken yawns again and snuggles up closer on Kakashi’s lap. Very cuddly for a pug that hundreds of years old. 

His father’s summons had been wolves. Huge, snarling grey wolves that Kakashi can hardly remember now, just recalls a faint feeling of fear, awe, and respect when his father summoned them. They weren’t the friendliest or the cuddliest, but they were kind. 

Exactly like his dad was.

Kakashi’s contract was passed down to him from his mother. Before she passed she told his dad she wanted him to sign it and make a bond with the ninken like she had. Kakashi doesn’t remember a thing about her, but there’s photos of her, smiling softly in candid photos as she lounges with her pack.

Pakkun had worked with his mom. And her parents before her. 

The last Hatake draws a gentle figuring down the line of Pakkun’s back, petting softly.

”Sleep, Kakashi,” Bull rumbles from below. 

Kakashi rolls his eyes but acquises.

The stars only bring him sweet dreams

”This is ridiculous,” Kakashi tells the vendor.

”Your hair’s ridiculous,” the vendor snaps back and Kakashi valiantly fights back the instinct to blush and clutch his head.

He tried to cut his hair, but the clone kept fucking with him because hello, it’s _him,_ and the ninken weren’t around. So he used his reflection in the river. 

He might have shorn it a bit too short. And also made it very choppy and uneven. 

“Please just lower the price,” he says and ignores the flash of victory in the man’s eyes as he pulls his hood back up over his head. “A set of thirty kunai do not cost that much.”

The vendor looks unimpressed. “They’d do here, Fire child,” he says and Kakashi grimaces. 

Shinobi aren’t all that well received in the Land of Waves, and his accent is unfortunately quite distinct compared to the more lax and low voices found here. A barmaid had explained it to him, when he got confused over how the hell she knew he was from Fire Country when people back in Konoha kept telling him how he’d fit right in with some of the lightening clans in Kumogakure.

”You sound posh and pretentious,” she’d laughed. “Usin’ all those fancy words, speaking real slow. It’s obvious!”

He’s done his best to dull it since. 

_Not that it’s working,_ he thinks resignedly, and forks over the money the vendor is owed.

The old man grins and Kakashi scrunches his eye threateningly at him. He also steals a set of thirty shuriken. 

All in good business. 

It’s week nine. Aside from the crappy haircut, he’s wrapped his headband on his bicep to hide the Leaf tattoo, and now wears a soft cream cloak that’s got chain mesh woven in, and a few storage seals on the inside. He’d gotten it in exchange for a set of Kushina’s sealing notes from an Uzushio-born street seller. 

He’s still against Pakkun’s eyepatch suggestion so he’s settled for holding his eye closed normally, and wearing his Hound mask more often. He’s ditched the chest plate. 

Because the lack of routine was making him nervous, he started to spend a maximum of one week at a town or village, and never one near a ninja settlement. He’d either camp out nearby or grab a hotel room by any means possible, and spend his days exploring, buying and selling, or studying Minato-sensei and Kushina’s notes in the local library. 

Kakashi is a genius, but he’s a genius who works hard. What little he doesn’t understand, he studies until he could explain it in a way Gai would comprehend, and if he can’t master something immediately then he busts his ass figuring it out or creating an alternative route to achieve the set goal. 

It’s kind of why he wasn’t the best choice for a jounin sensei in the first place — because even Gai is a highly intelligent and creative jounin, and few people have the kind of drive to work as hard as he does at twelve years old. He’s self-aware enough to know, that while he can offer advice, he can’t offer it in a way that will be necessarily helpful or immediately comprehensive.

Geniuses aren’t great teachers because more often than not, they don’t get why you’re struggling. What was simple to him made Obito cry with frustration or had Rin befuddled for days. 

The problem with Kushina’s notes is that she wrote as a stream of consciousness rather than an explanation. The writing is messy, script wonky, and several words are crossed out with minuscule corrections written above. She abused short-hand. It’s like a brand new code and Kakashi is not surprised she accidentally made her notes a fucking jounin-level training exercise in patience and deciphering. 

The problem with Minato’s notes is that he barely wrote any. What he did write was clear and concise, but instead of the note book Kushina left behind on various seals, ideas, and experiments, Minato just left scraps for torn paper; comments written on the back of Ichiraku receipts and unanswered questions on crinkled tissue. All Kakashi has to go by is the seal itself on the Hiraishin kunai, and a faded drawing of the stamp tag. 

Still likely he’ll figure out Hiraishin before he decodes Kushina’s notes. 

* * *

When Kakashi passes out, it’s because he accidentally teleported into a tree playing with the three-pronged kunai, and there’s no pain quite like having your entire hand crushed beneath the indescribable strength of an oak tree. 

When Kakashi comes to, there’s a child poking his mask and two more staring at where his hand is still merged with the tree. 

“You alright, mister?” The one by his face asks. “You scream loud.”

”Happens when you’re in pain,” Kakashi rasps. His left arm is straining because it’s been stuck in the air for who knows how long. His eyes burn with the pain. 

She nods sagely. “Brought you some plants!”

One of the boys is poking the back of his palm where it emerges from the bark. It’s takes everything in him not to kick the kid and shriek. “Stop that — and why did you bring me plants?”

”Mama gives them to Risa when she skins her knee,” the other boy not poking him says. “They make it not hurt. Just gotta burn ‘em.”

_Fuck it. What’s the worst that could happen? Just harmless kids._

Kakashi is high as hell. 

Marijuana. They gave him _weed_. 

“We give it to everyone,” Risa’s mother says casually. Between recognising the scent of the drug far too late and having Bisuke summon himself to Kakashi’s side just to yell at him, the mother of the trio that found him had arrived and began to saw a hole in the tree to cut his hand free. 

“I can fix it,” she’d said confidently. “My mama taught me some of that healing you ninja use, and I’ve seen worse before.” 

“Bet Tenzou is so jealous,” Kakashi had mumbled to himself and the conversation only got worse from there.

“It’s common here,” she continues. “Keeps everyone relaxed, helps the old folks with pain, stops the kids whinging. You’ll learn to like it.”

”Blehh,” Kakashi mumbles into Bisuke’s fur. Then he giggles. “This is just like that one scene in Icha-“

Bisuke steps on his throat. “Let’s not, boss.”

”Let’s,” Kakashi replies and quietly narrates his favourite scene to himself while Risa’s mother frees and heals his hand with expert ease. 

* * *

The guy with the purple eyes has been staring at Kakashi for an uncomfortably long time.

”Oi, gramps, you looking for a job?”

Kakashi pulls out an Icha Icha book. 

The man must be either a ninja or plain old weird, because he just mutters, “nice,” before leaning in closer. “Listen, dude, I got this new job the other month but it fucking sucks-“

Kakashi deigns to stay silent. 

“-they won’t let me leave because of this stupid fucking oath I took which I shouldn’t have, really, because afterwards Jashin-sama sent me these really wild sex dreams as punishment, but none of the kinks were ones I was into-“

The masked man sighs to himself and wonders why the workers at Bounty Collection Offices always take so long to return with the cash — the bodies come in sealed scrolls anyway. What’re they doing, alphabetising it?

”-plus I’m the only one my shitty partner can’t kill, yeah? So, listen, here’s the fucking sitch, right?”

Kakashi turns to face him and opens his left eye. Maybe the glint of the sharingan will scare him off? Yamato said the red glint from the shadows of mask was spooky; he started staring at him when he was changing after that, just to making him squirm.

”-you got silver hair, I got silver hair, you’re not _too_ fugly so I suppose you will be an okay replacement-“

It does not. 

“I’m wearing a mask,” Kakashi interrupts. “How do you know I’m ‘fugly.’”

”The haircut,” the man who worships Jashin replies and Kakashi damn-near slaps him. “Anyway, I really just fucking want to get back on schedule with my sacrifices on those blasted heathens; and with that much suffering around you, my good cuntmuncher, maybe doing my shitty job for me will give you a break because from what Jashin-sama is saying, you’re so fucked in the head-“

When the worker appears at the desk again, Kakashi snatches the bounty and gets the hell out of dodge. 

“AT LEAST THINK ABOUT IT, DIPSHIT!”

* * *

It takes nearly five months for the first person to try come to collect his bounty. 

Kakashi honestly blames the wait on his change of appearance. He’s cut his hair, wears his Hound mask whenever he’s travelling, has gained a healthy tan from more time in the sun and a tad more weight. He’s gotten stronger. 

(And happier.)

Winter is in full swing in Bird Country, so Kakashi chose to shuffle off to the Land of Wind so he could avoid the chill and instead bask in the warm desert sun; not staying near any villages, just wandering and training during the day, dissecting Kushina’s infamous firework seals by night. 

He hasn’t seen fireworks in years — the explosions the Kyuubi’s corrosive chakra had caused when it met the gas lines underground brought another round of PTSD to everyone and not just the ninja and Sarutobi had outlawed the use of fireworks shortly after he took back the hat. 

He had really liked them, when he saw them last. He misses them in the way you can only miss something you’ve had once. 

(He misses her. She treated him a cute little brother, not a Friend-Killer.)

The bounty hunter doesn’t sneak up on him, because the great thing about the Land of Wind is that it is 75% desert. No trees to hide in, no water to wait in, no rocks to blend into. 

Trying something like the head hunter jutsu just means getting sand in your eyes or a freakishly large scorpion in your underwear. All even ground.

”You have no idea how long I’ve been looking for you,” the man gasps. He’s sweating like a pig and is wearing thick, heavy gear that Kakashi recognises from the Land of Keys. “You’re hard to find, y’know that, Hatake?”

“Thank you.”

”Just gimme a minute,” he wheezes, keeling over. Kakashi, stripped down to his mesh undershirt and his jounin sweats rolled up to his knees, watches him with pity. The heat is so unforgiving here Kakashi’s decided to stop wearing his mask for the duration of his stay. 

The man tosses his overcoat behind him and pulls himself back up, doing a double take at his face. “Good gods man you’re attractive.”

Kakashi smiles at him. The man goggles. “Thank you.”

”I kinda feel bad about trying to kill you now, you’re like- wow. You with anyone right now?”

”Just myself,” Kakashi flirts. _Why not?_ He thinks to himself. _Not much to do here and he’s not too shabby._

”Damn,” the man whispers to himself. “I’m Kama.”

Kakashi laughs. “You really going to try fuck me after announcing that you’re here to collect my bounty?”

”Can’t fault a man for trying.”

He counters, “I can fault him for not paying attention,” and then activates the trap he just stepped on.

The man blows up.

Kakashi wipes the blood and gore from his face with the bottom of his t-shirt and heads back to his tent to sleep through the afternoon heatwave.

* * *

His nightmares, when he has them, have warped to fit his new life. 

He can be happy all day and all night but the second he sleeps old ghosts come crawling back and new regrets are experienced again. 

“Why’d you leave Kakashi-sensei?” Mai asks, skin like ash, eyes flat white disks. “You let me die and then you left. You could have done so much more for me.”

”I’m sorry,” he tries to say but Hound is his face. Hound has no regrets. Hound only has missions. 

“Ka..kash..i,” Rin whispers, drooling blood. It drips and falls and splashes onto Haru’s face. 

“I can’t wake up,” he cries, Rin’s blood like tears as it slips down his face. “Sensei why can’t I wake up? I don’t want to sleep anymore-“

He wakes up, gasping for air, and locks eyes with the ninja standing above him, a garrotte in her hands, eyes wide with shock as she realises he’s awake. 

Surprise fades and Kakashi curses as he rolls out of the way when she flings shuriken at him, propping himself up on his hands and swiping her feet from under her. She jumps and lunges for him, eyes determined and glinting with murder in the darkness of the tent. 

The pair of them tear through the fabric of the tent, rolling out in the sand as they fight for the upper hand. He reels his head back and then smashes his forehead against her nose, casting the Hell-viewing technique while she howls in pain, blood spurting. While she stays locked in the genjutsu he scrambles out from underneath her and pulls the kunai from her loose grip. 

She comes to herself right before he can gouge her eye out and blocks it with her arms, sparks flying as the kunai slashes off her forearm protectors. 

“Scum,” she hisses in a lilting Suna accent and when Kakashi glances he can see her headband, around her neck, is not slashed through. 

He swears to himself and quickly substitutes himself for his rucksack, snatching kunai at random and flinging them at her with pinpoint accuracy. She cries out as one gouges through her shoulder, but uses a wind jutsu to blow the other two off point and to send him flying backwards, skidding and tumbling in the sand before he catches his feet.

He really hates fighting wind jutsu users. 

She’s good, to last against him this long. But he needs to get this over with fast because if a ninja loyal to Suna has found him, then they’ve been _sent_ here and he’s gotten too relaxed. Too close to the village.

His fingers twitch towards the distinct kunai tucked into his belt. 

_Please work,_ he thinks to himself, and then throws one of his sensei’s three-pronged kunai at her as she rushes at him. 

She bats it off course with ease, hands moving as she weaves another jutsu at him, and when it lands in the sand behind her, he closes his, breathes deeply, and then _blurs_ -

-there’s a tug in his gut, a sensation likes he’s being squeezed, his head _pounds_ and the universe _shrieks_ as he slides through it-

-he appears, right behind her, picks up the hiraishin kunai and spins to drive it straight into her skull. 

She crumbles like a doll. 

“Holy shit,” Kakashi gasps to himself, struggling to stay upright as his vision flashes in and out of focus. He wobbles, feeling so drained of chakra it’s like he’s been fighting for hours and not minutes, and then bends over to vomit. 

He ends up on his knees, heaving, spots of colour dancing in his vision as his breakfast mixed in with his own blood covers the sand. He lifts a shaky hand and drags numb fingers across his nose and ears, coming away with dark blood each time.

_Never again. That is **not** how it felt with Minato-sensei. _

He packs up his things sluggishly, gargling water to get rid of the vomit in his mouth, tearing the kunai out of the kunoichi’s skull with a sick squelch. He lugs her body into the remains of his tent and sets it on fire with a low-level jutsu before wobbling his way towards where he hopes the border is, deactivating and recollecting his traps along the way.

He makes it less than 15 metres before dropping to the ground in a dead faint.

* * *

“What happened to you?!” The nurse gasps at the first hospital he visits after the incident in the Land of Wind. 

His blood soaked arrival to the emergency room has all the nurses and doctors standing to attention and rushing to him, patients and visitors watching wide-eyed.

“There was- this, uh woman-“ he starts.

She raises a hand to stop him. “I get it, young man, say no more.”

”Hell hath no fury like a kunoichi scorned,” the room intones gravely and the silver-haired man can only laugh and agree.

* * *

“Me again,” Hidan greets as he slides onto the barstool beside Kakashi. 

“You again,” Kakashi agrees wearily.

”Copy-nin,” Kakuzu says, sitting down a seat away from Hidan.

”Kakuzu-san,” Kakashi greets slightly more politely because while he doesn’t give a shit about Hidan, he doesn’t want Kakuzu trying to collect his bounty. The first time they met, he’d just looked him up and down and said, “You are more than a A-Rank ninja; I’ll collect it when your bounty is worthy.”

Not the greatest compliment Kakashi has received but he’ll take it.

”Still don’t want my job?” Hidan asks. He asks it every time they see each other, whether it be in passing or in instances such as now. “It’s still shitty and you still don’t seem to be doing fuckall, gramps.”

”I’m twenty six, stop calling me gramps.”

”That’s fucking ancient!” He disagrees and orders a litre of vodka just for himself. Kakashi wonders if the rumours of his immortality are true or if he’s just stupid and lucky. “You got the grey hair and wrinkles.”

”I’m wearing a mask- two, actually. You can’t see the wrinkles that I don’t have. And my hair is _silver,_ dickhead.”

Hidan has a way of bringing out the child in you and not in a way that’s young and fun and stress-relieving. He throws Kakashi back to when he was seven and brawling in the streets because people were making fun of his dad, or staring at his fangs when he took his mask off. 

That petulant, petty, childish anger — Hidan is a magnet for it. 

“I’m only twenty,” Hidan says gleefully and downs half the bottle of vodka when it arrives. “Drinking competition, fellas?”

”Only if there’s money,” Kakuzu warns and Hidan throws a heavy pouch on the table. His green and red eyes gleam. 

Kakashi raises a hand and orders twelve shots. “Hidan, if I beat you, will you stop offering me your job?”

”Fuck no,” he snorts. “If I win you convert to Jashinism, Kakuzu.”

”You won’t,” his partner replies, cocksure. “Copy-nin, if I will then you give me all the money on your person.”

”Fine,” Kakashi says, bored, and then the drinking starts. 

(Kakuzu wins. When Kakashi wakes up the next morning, in a ditch over an hour away from the bar they drank in, he’s penniless, has a weird tattoo on his palm that looks suspiciously like Hidan’s rosaries, and there’s a human thumb in his pocket. 

The thumb never stops bleeding and wiggles like mad when he holds it.

 _Maybe life as missing-nin was a mistake,_ he thinks belatedly to himself, hungover beyond belief and thanking the gods his Hound mask blocks out most of the morning sun. 

He makes Bull carry him back to his hotel.)

**Author's Note:**

> (i don’t know how to spell grey (?) )
> 
> a lot less serious than the prequel but I hope it’s still good; series ain’t gonna be long anyway i like to write about kakashi’s shenanigans too much.
> 
> i also didn’t intend to make a sequel but ppl rlly liked the original; so much so that i started even after saying i wouldn’t be writing for a while due to exams
> 
> (thanks self-control)
> 
> mayhaps i’ll write more, add another fic or just another chapter — would be dope if i checked back in on team 7 or others, no? 
> 
> (if i did that would certainly be a more serious fic ngl) 
> 
> have ANOTHER good one, this time i’m gone for good while i swear i do need to pass these exams
> 
> deuces, Dec ;D


End file.
